I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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