can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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