Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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