just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
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I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
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I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize