I bet he comes in French.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
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Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
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Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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