how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
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She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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