I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
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He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
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My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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