i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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