Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
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I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
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Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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