On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
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She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
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He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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