Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
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Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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