You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
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its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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