Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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