the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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