Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
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I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
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I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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