I can't breathe out the right side of my face
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
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I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
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it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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