It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
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he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
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You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Never joke about your clitoris.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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