I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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