i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
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Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
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I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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