i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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