he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
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Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
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My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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