i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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