while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
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She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
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You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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