I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
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I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
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you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
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