the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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