ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
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I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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