Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
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You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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