I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize