The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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