how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
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His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
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MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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