Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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