I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
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They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
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Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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