Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
We left an ass print on the piano.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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