I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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