It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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