Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
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The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
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that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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