im having a threesome with these popsicles
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
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He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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