There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
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A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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