Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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