drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
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