Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
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Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
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Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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