He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
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seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
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Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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