The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
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my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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