I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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