You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
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He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
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If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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