I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
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blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
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You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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