how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Liz is crying about burritos again.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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