i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I deserve this hangover.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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