My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize