The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize